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Minggu, 07 November 2010

HOW TO BUILD A BIOLOGICAL WEAPON


by name and  address

Note: I found this article circulating on the Internet. Although I am not 100% certain of its authenticity, its implications, if true, are terrifying!
Dear brothers,

It's come to my attention, from reading the news reports circulating in the decadent imperialistic Western media, that the only factor preventing our glorious organization from using biological and chemical weapons to wipe out the decadent polytheistic pork-eating invaders is lack of information on how to build them. Considering our lack of success so far in building a nuclear warhead using those supposedly fake plans we downloaded from the Internet (which I am still not convinced were really fake, despite certain peculiarities like the step where we are supposed to buy plutonium from Toys R Us and to use any leftover plutonium as an insect repellent), those few of us who are still alive need to be more careful this time to make sure the plans we download off the Internet are real and not another joke by a member of the Zionist baby-eating cabal trying to deceive us and get us all killed.

Do not be dissuaded, brothers, by those who tell you that anyone intelligent enough to know how to begin such an operation would never join an organization like ours while we're the process of being hunted down by the Americans and exterminated like rabid psychotic rats. Do not forget our glorious victory over the Crusaders, in which at least seven of us did not get torn to shreds by the machine gun fire of the Great Satan or blasted to pieces by this thing called a "JDAM"! All this talk about me having been blown to smithereens at Tora Bora back in December 2001 is nothing more than the desperate talk of fear-crazed decadent polytheistic infidels. I was not blown to smithereens. I was crushed to a bloody pulp by falling rocks and died in agony in the coldness of the mountains.

I know. Bummer, man. All those sheep left undeflowered. Say hello to Ba-a-abs for me.

So I'm posting simplified instructions that I found while browsing the Internet using my AOL account. This is from a Web site called "Microbiology for Morons" and I have been assured by Allah himself it can be followed by any of us, if Allah is willing and can maybe provide some culture media to get us started.

Step 1: Obtain a virus. The best way to do this is to hang around some sick people and say,

"In the name of Allah, could you please sneeze on me? And for the love of Allah, could you barf on me while you're at it?"
Injecting yourself with dirty needles or rusty nails also sometimes helps. This is a good way to get the deadly tetanus virus-carrying chemical mentioned in that news article, for example. Allah be praised, cough cough!

The best place to find sick people is in a "hospital", which is a large building, full of the high technology where the baby-eating devil-worshipers house their sick and injured. However, when you're in the hospital, to avoid suspicion, you need to appear to be sick or injured as well. The best way to accomplish this is to have one of your brothers whack you on the head a few times with a hammer. If no hammer is available, it is permissible to use a rock.

Step 2: Put the viruses into a bomb. The best explosive to use is nitroglycerin, because it won't hurt the viruses. Nitroglycerin may be easily purchased at any hardware store. After you mix them together, it's important to shake well to be sure they're well-mixed. Allahu Ak---!

Step 3: Put a note on the bomb. Most of these infidels are used to the idea of us blowing up those devil-worshiping organizations like the Red Cross and the United Nations, but they might not believe that we can build biological weapons too. Somehow they have gotten the idea that most of us are as dumb as dirt. So it is important to include a note. The note should follow the same format as a typical letter written by someone in their country. For example,

"Hi! How are you? We're not affiliated with Saddam Hussein or Kim Jong-Il at all. You can not stop us. We have this (add the name of the disease here). Sincerely, the Religion of Peace."
If you're not 100% sure what disease it is, the note should be modified to say, "We have this disease". There is nothing more embarrassing than to tell infidels they will die of smallpox only to find out that you started a tetanus epidemic instead. This makes us all look stupid and it's something we really need to avoid at this point.

However, you should not write the note in the language of the country you are destroying. For example, if you're trying to blow up America, don't write it in English. This will only cause them to start looking for a white male with three names, like "Bubba Ray Jones" or "Richard Earl Williams" who drives a pickup truck with a gun rack and a Confederate flag in the back. This is what happened the last time. You may not believe this, brothers, but the American FBI is still looking for former military scientists who have twangy accents. We may never get the proper credit for that one.

Step 4: Take the bomb to the target. When the customs agent asks you whether you're carrying a bomb, remember to say "yes". The security guard will naturally assume you're lying. They believe that no terrorist would ever admit to carrying a bomb, and therefore anyone who answers "yes" cannot be a terrorist, so they will allow you to pass. Also, you must try to blend in. Allahu ak---I mean the decadent polytheistic god of the infidels ... what's his name ... Jesus. Yes, Jesus. Jesus akhbar. Say this repeatedly to avoid appearing suspicious.

Furthering the good name of Islam,
UBL (posthumously transcribed using a Ouija board by Abu al-Agbiyaa)